Working Mothers Deserve Better
Actually, we ALL deserve better. But what does better actually look like?
“I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m failing at home and at work at the same time. All the time.”
Unless you’re independently wealthy, spending your time on remote islands or in ivory towers with fellow millionaire mommies, you’ve heard this refrain many times. At school and daycare pickups, the playground, the grocery store checkout line. Everywhere.
And any time you hear it, you jump into action. “No! You are not a failure! You are an amazing mother! THE BEST.”
There, there. All better.
And yet, just a few hours later, you’re lying wide awake in the middle of the night. As the entire household snores, you’re mentally reviewing an endless list of the day’s unfinished business. And you hear it. But you don’t really hear it.
“I. Am. Failing.”
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Days before my children’s two-week spring break, I felt my entire being try to pedal backward … turn back the clock … buy me a few more weeks of whatever version of “normal” we had just gotten used to. Sure taking a “break” from their regular hustle-and-bustle morning routine sounds great in theory, but I knew it would require pumping the brakes on all my own forward momentum. Growing this newsletter; developing new skills and connections through volunteer work; building deeper, stronger relationships outside of my household. With no camps willing to take a child under 3, I knew everything would come to a screeching halt. Everything except the guilt I’d feel over not being able to do it all, while giving my littles “the best spring break ever!”
One week in, already exhausted, I stumbled across a book that gave new meaning to the intense career-family conflict/anxiety/ceaseless guilt that I’ve wrestled with since becoming a mother five years ago.
“Making Motherhood Work: How Women Manage Careers and Caregiving” by U.S. sociologist Caitlyn Collins
Published in 2019, this book details what this associate professor learned from interviewing 135 employed, middle-class mothers living in Sweden, Germany, Italy and the United States. Her goal was to understand how exactly mothers in these countries navigate work and family life. How do they feel about the situations they’re in? What kinds of government and corporate policies help — or hinder — their careers and parenting? What do they believe would help them enjoy more fulfilling careers and family lives?
After five years of interviews, what did Collins learn?
🤯 The wholesale overwhelm and mind-numbing guilt that plague North American working mothers is NOT the inevitable, universal experience of western motherhood.
Mothers living in Stockholm, Sweden, were actually quite content!
Swedish mothers in this study reported the least amount of work-family conflict. They actually seemed to feel well supported by the Swedish federal government’s suite of work-family social welfare policies. Those policies are specifically designed to give women AND men equal access to the paid labor force AND caregiving responsibilities at home. Conversations with these mothers also underscored a prevailing egalitarian ideology, among the women AND their male partners, that access to both spheres is not a privilege, but their right. Even more surprisingly to this North American mother, Swedish mothers discussed Sweden’s widespread family-friendly corporate culture. Mothers reported receiving nothing but enthusiastic responses from bosses while disclosing new pregnancies; that leaving the office to collect children from child care facilities well before 5 p.m. is simply normal practice; and that all workers are entitled to four consecutive weeks of vacation during the summer months.
🤯 U.S. mothers were THE ONLY MOTHERS to internalize the work-family conflict they experienced as personal failure.
Overwhelmed working mothers in Italy pointed their fingers at their “inept” government and a patriarchal culture that unabashedly relieves men from caregiving responsibility in the home.
Overwhelmed working mothers in West Germany pointed their fingers at well-meaning but poorly crafted work-family social welfare policies that actually leave women and mothers disadvantaged in the workplace, and an enduring conservative patriarchal culture that prioritizes femininity and the mother’s place in the home above all else.
OverwhelmedWorking mothers in Sweden, when hard-pressed to identify any grievance, pointed their fingers at their society’s intensive parenting norms that leave little free time outside of paid work and caregiving.
And working mothers in the United States — the least supported mothers in the industrialized world — pointed their fingers at THEMSELVES.
Collins heard it all from U.S. mothers:
If I could just find a more flexible job…
If I had just chosen a more lucrative career…
If I could just organize this house a little better…
If I could just finally master meal planning…
It doesn’t have to be this way!
But if not, what has to change?
Social Policies! Workplace Policies! Cultural Ideology!
In the book, Collins makes it clear that individual solutions will never liberate North America’s over-burdened working mothers. But dragging and dropping successful Nordic work-family policies isn’t the solution either. Without social policies, corporate policies and cultural ideology working together, work-family conflict will endure.
She also argues, however, that everyone needs to look around and get a better sense of what kind of life is actually possible for parents and caregivers. Sweden’s suite of work-family policies offer undeniable proof that working parenthood doesn’t have to be such a struggle. So let’s look deeper:
😌 Sweden was the first industrialized nation to offer paid parental leave that incentives couples to take equal amounts of extended paid leave to welcome a new child. Oh, and this paid time off can be used until the child turns 8.
😌 The country has a universal child care system that’s so comprehensive, families have no trouble returning to work when they’re ready.
😌 Workers can take unlimited paid sick days — the Swedish Social Insurance Agency picks up the tab after 13 days. Parents also have access to 120 days of paid caregiving leave per child under 15. Also paid for by the government, those days are paid at 77.6 per cent of the parent’s salary.
😌 Until their children turn 8 or complete first grade, workers have the right to reduce their working hours by up to 25 per cent.
And that’s just a sliver of how the country supports workers with caregiving responsibilities.
Oh, how I wish Collins had included Canada in this study.
One doesn’t need to look clear overseas to see work-family policies in action. Canada has offered maternity leave in some form since 1971. Canada has also been delivering cash payments to families with dependent children (currently the Canada Child Benefit Payment) since 1945. And who could forget that we’re currently rolling out a universal child care system!
However, I am certain Collins would have easily uncovered plenty of glaring sinkholes that are still tanking Canadian mothers’ careers, and mental health, left and right. For example …
😰 Weren’t able to qualify for maternity leave? Not your fault! Canadian lawmakers know our maternity leave program is too restricted, blocking around 30 per cent of Canadian mothers (and 60 per cent of low-income mothers) from receiving this important benefit. Despite campaign promises to reform the system, recent fixes to the lower the eligibility bar were only temporary and have expired.
😑 Lost your job during parental leave? Not your fault!! Laying off parents during their “protected” parental leave seems to be common practice among Canadian employers.
😫 Struggling to find affordable child care in your community before you’re due back to work? Not your fault!!! I shared all about who’s fault that is here.
😫 Sidestepped all those barriers with ease, but still feeling forced to quit your job because you’ve already maxed our your 5-10 paid sick days and your little will inevitably continue getting sick this year? Not your fault!!!! There’s no political will to build a publicly funded system for paid family caregiving leave.
Across North America, we have so much work to do to make working motherhood work for all. No, let’s reframe that: Across North America, we have so much work to do to give all people the right to abundant, fulfilling, well-rounded lives — that include the very real benefits of paid work, caregiving experiences and whatever else they love doing on this planet.
We can’t make that happen over night. That’s probably why Collins ended her book with a call to action:
Stop blaming yourself!
Point your finger at the real failures — inadequate social policies, inadequate corporate policies and outdated cultural ideologies.
Then harness your rage to demand justice. Work-Family Justice.
She can tell you more about her research and call to action here:
Your Turn, Sound Off!
Do you feel intense pressure to show up as the ideal worker and the perfect parent at the same time? Do you feel well-supported by government and/or corporate work-family policies — or completely let down? What would make work-family justice a reality for you? The comment section is wide open, and I would love to hear your experiences and perspectives.